Tales From The Land Of Chairman Mao's Miracle

The Napping Panda Of Sichuan { Ch. 1 }

By Spaced Teacher

In The Ten Commandments Of The HaNazee faith you will find two that are particualry troublesome for foreigners. The first one is " Nothing Or Nobody In China May Move Faster Than The Napping Panda Of Sichuan " and the second is " Always Obfuscate , Delay , Intimidate And Frustrate The Foreigners In China In All Dealings ". A component of this commandment is face. For those of you that don't know the concept think of it as a fear of being embarrassed on steroids. On a national level " face " is the reason that a multi - million dollar stadium which now sits empty and unused was built in Beijing for the Olympics. It's very important to the Chinese leadership especially but also to the everyday Chinese people that China be seen as a major player in world affairs and the cost and consequences be damned. On an educational level face is the reason that in a class of 35 students 30 will contribute nothing to the class and will absolutley refuse to ask a question. They would rather stay stupid then admit to the foreign teacher and in front of their classmates that there is anything they don't know. This idea in their heads raises all kinds of problems for the foreign teacher and is very taxing mentally for us. It is also also highly wasteful of precious and expensive class time. Generally what happens is that the foreign teacher is unable to reach these kids so they stay stupid and end up in some menial job somewhere on Chairman Mao's Plantation. There are other examples of this idea such as their constant need to remind everybody that China has a 5,000 year old history and culture and their Holy Reverence for the Olympic Flame. I find both of these cultural traits of the Chinese amusing . It never occurs to them that essentially everybody has a 5,000 year old history and culture. Nor does it occur to them that for the 80 % of the existence of that culture they contributed exactly nothing to humanity. It will annoy them to no end if you point out to them that all the great leaps in humanity's history have originated in the Western Judaeo - Christian cultures. I suggest you do it every chance you get. As for the Olympic Flame it amuses me that their Holy Reverence for The Olympic Flame in a Godless country is contradictory and paradoxical. As for " The Napping Panda Of Sichuan " Commandment , that originated as all of them do with the eternal fuckwit first Emperor Of China , Wo Bu Zhi Dao. Basically they are scared to death that if their people develop , in all fields of human endeavor , too quickly then they will toss the current leaders out of the Palace. That would mean they would need to do the one thing they all , especially the HaNazee men , fear the most. Get a REAL job. In The Dreaded Private Sector where you actually have to work and produce results. As far as the current leaders of China who are known as The Committee of 17 are concerned another 5,000 years of the status quo would be fine with them. This eternal fuckwit Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao and his modern day Disciples known as The Committee Of 17 were and are a major pain in the ass.

As part of the Chinese students quest to gain face with the foreigners they will always tell us they want to learn about culture. I can tell you based upon ten years of experience teaching here that they do not mean it. 90 % of them are only interested in their own cultures. I can also tell you that 90% of them aren't bright enough to realize that a good foreign teacher is going to call their bluff every time. When that happens and they realize that now they have to walk the walk not just talk the talk it's highly entertaining for the teacher. I recently called their bluff.

About one week before Halloween I asked them if they'd like to celebrate Halloween. A resounding and emphatic yes was their answer. Now I was born at night but not last night. I knew two things about their reply. Firstly they have no real interest in learning about anybody else's culture. That takes work and effort. They say yes because it's what The Committee of 17 { Sub - Committee On Education } tells them to say in order to gain face with the foreigners. Secondly I knew that they would go along , making as little effort as possible , if it meant getting out of the classroom and not having to study that damn English book. What they didn't know was that there was no way it was going down like that. I explained to them what they'd have to do. " But teacher we can't wear a costume it's against the rules. " That was bullshit and I knew it. It was time to apply a little heat. " O.K. students in that case we'll make a new rule. Anybody that wishes to pass this class will be in costume next week." Now they had two problems. How not to lose face by walking around campus in a Halloween costume and the awakening realization that their teacher was not some rube. He expected participation , effort and results. They were in DEEP shit in their minds. Halloween came and about half of the class came in costume and the other half didn't. The half that did will be rewarded and the half that didn't won't be. That ability to give the final grade is a powerful tool !! lol It's good to be laoshi / teacher. I put a striped white sheet over my head and off we went to bring Halloween to some of the Chinese teacher's classes -- UNANNOUNCED. I walked into about 6 Chinese teacher's classrooms quietly and ghostly with my class in costume in tow. The looks were astonishing. They had no clue what was happening. I stood there just staring at them intently for a couple of minutes. It then dawned on the teachers and a few of the students what was going on. The vast majority were still clueless though. I walked up to a few individual students and just stared at them. Finally I walked to the front of the room and gave them my best Halloween Ghostly BOO !! It amazes me how people that can play with firecrakers all during their Spring Festival and not bat an eyelash at the noise can have the bejesus scared out of them by a Halloween BOO !! or a loud fart in the classroom. We brought Halloween Culture to six Chinese classrooms and were received well by four once they realized what was going on. One Chinese teacher threw a box of chalk and a book at me .The other one , a middle aged male , met me at the door and in no uncertain terms escorted me out. I gave him a Ghastly Halloween shriek and left. We adjourned to our own classroom where I showed them the movie Ghostbusters. I also walked around the campus in my Ghostly personna bringing Halloween to the campus at large. Outside the gates near my apartment building are some food venders. I went and stood near them silently. One of them threw some hot cooking oil at me. Not to worry I knew what she was getting ready to do so she missed. Two educated teachers behaving as they did and one peasant woman throwing hot cooking oil on a harmless Halloween Ghost. That 5,000 year old civilization has certainly lead to an enlightened culture. lol

On Wednesday afternon at the conclusion of my final class my Foreign Affairs Officer was waiting for me just outside the door. " We've had some complaints from the Chinese teachers and students that your Halloween celebration has scared them so you must stop it at once." Can you believe that a Hallowen Ghostly BOO scares them to this degree? Do you still think that these people are going to rule the world? " O.K. I said I'll stop visiting the Chinese classrooms and only play the movie for my remaing 4 classes. " An emphatic " No " was the reply . " But I promised them that I'd play it for them. " If you want to continue working you'll obey what we tell you. " I had no choice or so they thought. Knowing how the HaNazee behave I had a back-up plan. That however is a story for another time. How ironic that the people that are so concerned about " face " didn't give a damn about making me lose face in front of my students.

They could have said " Paul thank you for showing us your Halloween Culture it was great fun" but they chose not to.They could have said " Show the movie to your last four classes. Do not ever do anything like that again without prior approval " but they didn't. If you ever come to China to teach , work or do business do not make the mistake that face is a coutesy to be extended to you. Face is only for Chinese people. You are just a foreign worker here that is not worthy of that courtesy. You are to be tolerated and nothing more. Perhaps some day the educators of this country such as those two teachers and my school's administration and The Committe of 17 will be more concerned with actually educating their people and bringing them into the 21st Century at long last rather than keeping The Usefull Idiots on Chairman Mao's Plantation. Considering that there is far more profit in keeping them on Chairman Mao's Plantation I doubt that that day will ever come.

The Napping Panda Of Sichuan is taking a prolonged nap.

Readers please be aware that these stories of " Spaced Teacher's Adventures In The Middle Cosmos { China } are written in two different threads. " Spaced Teacher Battles The Yellow Knights Of The HaNazee " are the true stories of my experiences here in The Middle Cosmos while " The Jardeen Roses Of Li Tan" is my FICTIONAL re-write of 5,000 years of Chinese history , mythology and culture from a foreigner's perspective.You're probably thinking " My God how presumptuous of him." Trust me somebody had to do it. They've had 5,000 years to get the job done and they just keep screwing it up. We trust our readers to be able to distinguish between the two topic threads contained within the story. That may be a giant leap of faith on the author's ,my ,part. I write the damn story and there are days I can't remember which thread is which. The Middle Cosmos has a way of confusing the most rational clear thinking people. It's part of the price you must pay for the experiences of living here. As is the case with all of humanity's gardens there are flowers and weeds. The Chinese garden is no different in that regard , they have flowers in the form of the Jardeen Roses and Jasmine and crabgrass in the form of the HaNazee. I try to weed the crabgrass while focusing on and accentuating the Jardeen Roses and Jasmine. I have taken only the barest minimum of poetic license in an effort to make these stories more enjoyable to read for you. Trust me when I tell you it happened 99 % exactly as I tell it. All names have been fictionalized to protect the guilty from legal action be that civil or criminal and to protect the innocent from the guilty and most importantly to protect the author , yours truly , from the crabgrass in the Chinese garden. Those HaNazee can be vicious bastards!! lol The HaNazee are well known for having an aversion to the spelling and grammar challenged among us so be careful with your grammar and spelling you never know when The HaNazee Grammar Master #1 or The HaNazee Spelling Misstress # 7 are watching.

All characters , plot lines , fictional places , and anything else even remotely associated with these stories is the intellectual property of Spaced Teacher D.B.A. Bea Wildered Enterprises and may not be used without the express written consent of the aforementioned Spaced One or Bea herself.

I hope that " Spaced Teacher's Adventures In The Middle Cosmos " will soon become an epic novel of adventure and conquest. If you are or know a literary agent that would be interested in publishing this please have him contact Bea. He / she can just leave a comment about one of the blog posts and Bea will see it and reply . Bea is not Lucidly Challenged ALL the time !!!

Tales From The Land Of Chairman Mao's Miracle

Spaced Teacher vs. The Yellow Knights Of The HaNazee

" The Great Harbin Cuban Cigar Autopsy Caper "

By Spaced Teacher

I have a Canadian friend here in Harbin who is a bit of a cigar afficianado . He definitely knows a good cigar when he smells one or smokes one. He is also a smooth talking wheeler dealer type. He has been in Harbin for three years and in that time he has developed many contacts. In China business is done on the basis of guan xi / relationship. Guan xi is an integral part of Chinese culture that has it’s roots in the teachings of the first HaNazee Emperor Of China. It is indeed a very complicated , intricate concept for lao wai / foreigners to understand and become proficient at. Fred is very close to becoming a master of relationships. In his time here he has cultivated many relationships with the local Comrades. Recently after doing some work for the local Committe Of 17 a high ranking member rewarded him with a box of Cuban cigars.

Now Fred being a naturally suspicious man as all smooth talking types are was suspicious of the authenticity of these cigars immediately. I’ve seen the cigars. They no doubt look authentic. They all came individually wrapped in cellophane and a plastic container with the band on them and were in a humidor. They certainly looked authentic to me. I was suspicious also however. When and how could authentic Cuban cigars possibly turn up in Harbin? Beijing or Shanghai would be entirely possible. Maybe even Guangzhou , Xiamen , Qingdao or a few other cities but Harbin? It just didn’t ring true.

One night Fred decided to relax by smoking a cigar and listening to some music. He broke open one of the Cubans. After a few puffs he was convinced. They were not authentic. Just to be sure though he decided to do a cigar autopsy. Out came the scalpel. Twenty minutes later the verdict was in. They were indeed fake. Fred surmised that they were probably made by Puerto Rican immigrants in the basement of a Newark , N.J. brothel.

Isn’t it curious how all the Comrades seem to have an affinity for Western goods ? lol I wonder what Karl Marx would say about his Comrades indulging their various life pleasures?

If you come to China and anybody tries to sell you ” authentic ” Western consumer goods you’d be wise to assume that they are indeed not authentic.Forewarned is forearmed. You have been warned.

Readers please be aware that these stories of " Tales From The Land Of Chairman Mao's Miracle "are written in two different threads. " Spaced Teacher Battles The Yellow Knights Of The HaNazee " are the true stories of my experiences here in The Middle Cosmos while " The Jardeen Roses Of Li Tan" is my FICTIONAL re-write of 5,000 years of Chinese history , mythology and culture from a foreigner's perspective.You're probably thinking " My God how presumptuous of him." Trust me somebody had to do it. They've had 5,000 years to get the job done and they just keep screwing it up. We trust our readers to be able to distinguish between the two topic threads contained within the story. That may be a giant leap of faith on the author's ,my ,part. I write the damn story and there are days I can't remember which thread is which. The Middle Cosmos has a way of confusing the most rational clear thinking people. It's part of the price you must pay for the experiences of living here. As is the case with all of humanity's gardens there are flowers and weeds. The Chinese garden is no different in that regard , they have flowers in the form of the Jardeen Roses and Jasmine and crabgrass in the form of the HaNazee. I try to weed the crabgrass while focusing on and accentuating the Jardeen Roses and Jasmine. I have taken only the barest minimum of poetic license in an effort to make these stories more enjoyable to read for you. Trust me when I tell you it happened 99 % exactly as I tell it. All names have been fictionalized to protect the guilty from legal action be that civil or criminal and to protect the innocent from the guilty and most importantly to protect the author , yours truly , from the crabgrass in the Chinese garden. Those HaNazee can be vicious bastards!! lol The HaNazee are well known for having an aversion to the spelling and grammar challenged among us so be careful with your grammar and spelling you never know when The HaNazee Grammar Master #1 or The HaNazee Spelling Misstress # 7 are watching.

All characters , plot lines , fictional places , and anything else even remotely associated with these stories is the intellectual property of Spaced Teacher D.B.A. Bea Wildered Enterprises and may not be used without the express written consent of the aforementioned Spaced One or Bea herself.

I hope that " Tales From The Land Of Chairman Mao's Miracle " will soon become an epic novel of adventure and conquest. If you are or know a literary agent that would be interested in publishing this please have him contact Bea. He / she can just leave a comment about one of the blog posts and Bea will see it and reply . Bea is not Lucidly Challenged ALL the time !!!

Tales From The Land Of Chairman Mao's Miracle

Spaced Teacher vs The Yellow Knights Of The HaNazee

Lucidity Is THE Enemy { # 3 }

By Spaced Teacher

I've heard it said that if America with it's population could produce one Einstein then by proportional analysis there must be fifteen Einsteins in China. I do not doubt this for one minute. As with most assertions of China's greatness which the China Apologists make though you are only getting at best half the story.The other half of the story is that assuming the anaylytical method is correct then how many total complete fuckwitted morons does China produce? Now my next question is this " Can 15 Einsteins overcome hundreds of millions of these morons? Before you formulate your reply consider that in China there is only one game in town. The Committee Of 17 runs the whole show. They control the univerities , ALL of the media , ALL of the economy which includes banks , airlines , hospitals , universities , and the military. In short ALL of the necessary and important functions of everyday life.They have the type of power that The Democratic Party in America desperately wants but so far can only dream of. Where do you think these morons go for a job? Think of it this way. In America where we embrace the concept of The Loyal Opposition and have free speech rights the government is NOT free to do as it damn well pleases. That is our check against an Idiocracy taking over our government. Yes yes I know that we are currently perilously close to haveing an Idiocracy but I have great faith in the American people. This too shall pass and soon. I have no such faith in the Chinese people. The vast majority of them do not have the " stones " to leave The Committe Of 17's Plantation. There is a certain amount of security in being The House Nigger. No freedom but life is about choices. The Chinese people have made theirs.

If you are one of those people that STILL thinks China is going to rule the world any time soon please read on. I think I can disavow you of that opinion. If you are not read on anyway and I'm fairly certain you will get a chuckle.

In The Land Of Chaiman Mao's Miracle The Committe Of 17 - Sub Committee On Higher Education has decreed that in order to get into university you must achieve a certain score. To get that score you must answer a certain number of questions correctly. The correct answer is the ONLY thing that matters. How or why something came to be the way it is are unimportant considerations. Critical thinking skills and creativity are discouraged and in many cases severely punished. People with these skills are very difficult to keep on The Plantation afterall. Considering that there are only three good universities in the whole damn country the competition is fierce. 95 % of ALL Chinese students WILL cheat , lie , steal bribe or do anything they deem necessary to gain admission to one of them. 95 % of ALL Chinese people will also do the same in any and all aspects of life. If they fail in their goal to gain admission to one of these prestigious universities the vast majority will believe that their lives are over. Guess where they end up then? They end up at their second or third choice because Mom and Dad know that to get any job on The Plantation they will need a sheepskin even if it's virtually worthless. They arrive here dispirited , disillusioned and in short order become academically lazy . They have neither the faith nor the confidence to take full advantage of the opportunity granted to them. The vast majority of them wouldn't know opportunity if it walked up and bit them in the ass. Why would they? Because of China's One Child Policy Chinese parents do everything for these kids. The vast majority of my students would have no clue how to set up a bank account, how to get a driver's license , how to pay the electric bill, how to get an internet account or how to buy an airline ticket or make a hotel or car reservation. Resumes are a foreign concept to them. That is one group of students we get here. The other group are the kids that are lazy , arrogant , intellectual cowards. They believe that Mom and Dad's money is going to last forever and they are perfectly happy to take it. These are the idiot children of the Chinese Nouveau Riche. At most Chinese Universities if you could not qualify they will still let you study for TRIPLE the tuition and for a certificate not a degree. Many of those students see no reason to actually study. They just want to show up , get the certificate with as little effort as possible and move on to a low paying barely adequate job on The Plantation. It's a BIG money making scheme for the universities. They don't give a DAMN about these kids. What these kids don't understand is that if they don't care about themselves why should the university? There is also the aspect of the Chinese parents have been on these kids their whole lives to study. They actually get very precious little time to be a kid when they are young. Now when they come to University they get a taste of freedom and they like it. Nobody has ever told them that without responsibilty there is no freedom -- UNTIL -- they get their first good principled foreign teacher. That is where I come in. It's time to Chinese mindfuck these kids. They need to be made to THINK for themselves. I love my job !!!

China is the only country in the world where their university students believe that when they get to university the hard work is over. They can't understand that everywhere else in the world the hard work is just beginning. For them it's PLAY TIME!!! NOT in MY class it isn't.It's a battle of wills between the foreign teacher and these kids. Guess who wins in MY classes. These kids are going to learn something if it kills them and me. I'm way too stubborn to die so guess what happens. lol

This past week I gave my midterm exam to my English Major classes. The exam was based upon the Joni Mitchell song " Help Me I Think I'm Falling " They were to speak for 3 minutes about Chinese dating / marriage customs. In each of these classes there are about 30 students. Five did an excellent and very well thought out creative ORIGINAL presentatiion. They are the ones that will be moving off The Plantation. They are the future of China assuming The Jardeen Roses ultimately win the struggle ,not the other 25. They will , God willing , bring down the current Chinese Idiocracy. The other 25 will IF they are lucky get a menial job on The Plantation and if they're not so lucky they will be mopping floors at KFC , Mickey D's or driving a taxi or working in the family business or farm where Mom and Dad can support and protect them. This is not unusual at any Chinese university. In fact it is the norm. In the interest of full dislcosure I should tell you that I'm not by any means at one of the better Chinese universities but I'm not at one of the worst either. In fact for accounting this is probably the best school in the country. Watch what the kid in the video does in the middle of his video taped midterm exam knowing full well in advance of the exam that I fully intend to post these videos on the net for the whole world to see and that his behavior is against my class rules and university policy. Somebody call the Slave Master we have a ripe one for a job in The Chinese Idiocray.

I know that my story flies in the face of everything you know of Chinese students based upon your experience and what our government tells you but you need to realize two points. The Chinese students in American do indeed do very well but they are the cream of the cream of the crop. The top .1 % of the Chinese population so consequently they are bright enough to want to get out of China and to realize the opportunity given them. The top .1 % in China are the same way but unfortunately they are trapped by the current Chinese Idiocray . There are circumstances that are way beyond their contorl which prevent them from escaping. In spite of all this though they still refuse to remain ignorant and willfully submissive Slaves Of The Plantation. The second point is that our government needs to keep the Chinese Money Spigot flowing. Both Idiocracies are attempting and succeding in a BIG way in one case and incrementally in the other to enslave their respective populations on Chairman Mao's Plantation. The Yellow Knights Of The HaNazee in BOTH countries have done their jobs well.

There is a saying among the Chinese elder poulation that the Chinese generations after 1988 are worthless. What they mean is that since the opening up of China by Deng Xiao Ping the traditional values have died for the dream of a capitalist future. They think their younger generations are the equivalent of our Generation Zero. After ten years of teaching the idiot children of The Chinese Nouveau Riche I tend to agree with them. Such is the price of " progress" I guess.

As for why the Chinese Slave is as he is continue reading. Hopefully The Jardeen Roses Of Li Tan will be victorious in the end.

In the HaNazee , whom you would know better as the ChiComs , Holy Book's Ten Commandments there is one that is based in the concept that lucidity is the enemy. This Commandment , as all of them do , originated with the first HaNazee Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao. At the time there were about 400 foreigners or " lao wai " in his Kingdom. Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao knew of these foreigners strength of character and intelligence and of their God Sheng Di. He feared that these lao wai would take over his Kingdom and bring all of their crazy ideas such as Human Rights , Kentucky Fried Chicken , Chuck Berry , Jazz , a work ethic and equal rights and infect his people thusly freeing them.The HaNazee Nation was in it's infancy at this stage and wasn't strong enough to confront these lao wai directly yet so a more subtle tactic had to be developed. Emperor Wo Bu Zhi was a paranoid delusional fuckwit who suffered from fecal occulus but he wasn't stupid. TheHaNazee Ten Commandments were written. One of these commandments has to do with constantly frustrating the lao wai with stupidity and muddled thinking. Lucidity is the enemy if you will. As anybody with any substantial amount of Chinese experience will tell you this is the case about 80 % of the time. Another one had to do with thinking rationally and providing prompt couteous service. Again as anybody with any substantial Chinese experience can tell you this happens about 20 % of the time. Now these Commandments to the inexpeirenced in Chinese psychology and methodology would seem to be in contravention of each other . The experienced lao wai knows better. They are actually in conjunction with each other. Think about it guys. If you were used to dealing with unvarnished stupidity 90 % of the time and then all of a sudden you got clear rational thinking wouldn't you be confused. Mission accomplished from Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao's point of view. The Yellow Knights Of The HaNazee do their job extremely well.

Lucidity Is THE Enemy !! Long live Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao.

If you enjoyed this story and would like to read more of my Tales From The Land Of Chairman Mao's Miracle I suggest that you click on the links provided within the story itself or below.

Lucidity Is THE Enemy { # 1 # 2 }

If You Go Carrying Pictures Of Chairman Mao { #'s 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 }

I See The American Devil !! I'm Afraid !!

Trying To Reason With Hurricane Season.

Readers please be aware that these stories of " Tales From The Land Of Chairman Mao's Miracle "are written in two different threads. " Spaced Teacher Battles The Yellow Knights Of The HaNazee " are the true stories of my experiences here in The Middle Cosmos while " The Jardeen Roses Of Li Tan" is my FICTIONAL re-write of 5,000 years of Chinese history , mythology and culture from a foreigner's perspective.You're probably thinking " My God how presumptuous of him." Trust me somebody had to do it. They've had 5,000 years to get the job done and they just keep screwing it up. We trust our readers to be able to distinguish between the two topic threads contained within the story. That may be a giant leap of faith on the author's ,my ,part. I write the damn story and there are days I can't remember which thread is which. The Middle Cosmos has a way of confusing the most rational clear thinking people. It's part of the price you must pay for the experiences of living here. As is the case with all of humanity's gardens there are flowers and weeds. The Chinese garden is no different in that regard , they have flowers in the form of the Jardeen Roses and Jasmine and crabgrass in the form of the HaNazee. I try to weed the crabgrass while focusing on and accentuating the Jardeen Roses and Jasmine. I have taken only the barest minimum of poetic license in an effort to make these stories more enjoyable to read for you. Trust me when I tell you it happened 99 % exactly as I tell it. All names have been fictionalized to protect the guilty from legal action be that civil or criminal and to protect the innocent from the guilty and most importantly to protect the author , yours truly , from the crabgrass in the Chinese garden. Those HaNazee can be vicious bastards!! lol The HaNazee are well known for having an aversion to the spelling and grammar challenged among us so be careful with your grammar and spelling you never know when The HaNazee Grammar Master #1 or The HaNazee Spelling Misstress # 7 are watching.

All characters , plot lines , fictional places , and anything else even remotely associated with these stories is the intellectual property of Spaced Teacher D.B.A. Bea Wildered Enterprises and may not be used without the express written consent of the aforementioned Spaced One or Bea herself.

I hope that " Tales From The Land Of Chairman Mao's Miracle " will soon become an epic novel of adventure and conquest. If you are or know a literary agent that would be interested in publishing this please have him contact Bea. He / she can just leave a comment about one of the blog posts and Bea will see it and reply . Bea is not Lucidly Challenged ALL the time !!!

http://www.klevelandkrackerkorner.com/14/post/2011/10/post-title-click-and-type-to-edit7.html

Tales From The Land Of Chairman Mao's Miracle

Spaced Teacher vs The Yellow Knights Of The HaNazee

Lucidity Is THE Enemy !! { # 2 }

By Spaced Teacher

When I first came to China ten years ago I was as most Americans still are woefully ignorant of how the Chinese really are. I swallowed our government's P.R. campaign about how the Chinese were "rapidly emerging ", "becoming a world player" , "modernizing at a very fast pace" , "it was a new day in China". Yada yada yada. I'm telling you now based upon TEN CONSECUTIVE years of living in China none of this is true. Do NOT fall for it. If you're one of those people that STILL believes China is going to rule the world any time soon please read on. I think I can disavow you of that opinion. If you are not well read on anyway. I think you'll get a chuckle.

Recently I moved to a new city. Upon arrival in this new city I needed to set up a new bank account at The Bank Of China. Now you folks being intelligent American / Western people and having some idea of how a professionally run business operates are probably saying " Well that sounds simple enough. " That assumption on your part would be your first mistake in any of these sorts of dealings in China. Nothing in China is ever easy or simple. It's not their way. Although all the banks in China are owned / tightly controlled by the Chinese government this rapidy modernizing emerging economy has not figured out a system that allows the banks to talk to each other. It's only been 5,000 years guys have patience. In other words The Bank Of China in Harbin is totallly independent of The Bank Of China in Guangzhou. They are operated under completely different systems. This should be a matter of simply transferring the funds from one bank to the other and should take minutes or hours at the max. In China it will take days and you will be buried under a mountain of paperwork and red tape. You will also most likely have to deal with a Yellow Knight Of The HaNazee. More on that in due course. There will also be numerous associated fees which will also all require their own paperwork and red tape. It is never a pleasant experience dealing with The Yellow Knights Of The HaNazee. I had been in China for nine years now so I knew most of what was coming. The Chinese always seem to find a way of throwing you an unpleasant curve though.

I walked into the spotlessly clean Bank Of China in my town and sat down with one of the stylishly dressed and very polite tellers to do my business. Knowing what I was in for I had brought one of my Chinese students who was very proficinet in English with me. I had 25,000 Ren Min Bi more commonly known as yuan or kwai to deposit into my new account. She took all the necessay information as they would in America. All of this took but a few minutes. I was starting to wonder if I was going to be blessed with the help of a Jardeen Rose or if the curve was coming. I was hoping for the former. I got the latter. It came time to check my passport to verify my I.D. On my passport my name is typed thusly PaulA Stanner. Yes there should be a space between the Paul and the A. Chinese Civil Servants are not the only Civil Servants that attend The International University Of The Perpetually Intellectually Challenged. There is a sizable American student body there.This was a cause of great concern for the teller. I explained to my student that my middle name was Angus and that was what the A stood for. The teller was not convinced. She consulted with two of her teller colleagues. Nothing my Chinese student could say would mollify them.Out came the Bank Manager. Apparently Western middle names are a real Chinese mindfuck. Now you've probably guessed by now that their stupidity was beginning to highly agitiate this American. Keep in mind that there are 1.5 billion people in China so consequently there is always a huge line for any of these types of service. All three tellers and the bank manager had been working on this problem for twenty minutes now and STILL they wouldn't believe us. The other Chinese bank customers were getting quite pissed at them and me and rightly so in my opinion. Customer service is a foreign concpet in China. It was time to take a little direct American action. I told my student to tell them to either accept what we were telling them and open the account witihin five minutes or give me my money back and I would go elsewhere. Now THEY had the problem. You see in China all the banks are controlled by The Committee Of 17. The Committe Of 17 , much like the Democratic Party in America wants to , controls all the important and necessary functions of daily life such as banking , mobile and regular phone service , the newspapers , TV and radio , etc etc. If you are lucky enough to get a government job in China you are guranteed an adequate life, just barely. You do get to wear a nice suit and look good though. In China it's always style over substance. It's virtually impossible to fire a Chinese Civil Servant as it is in America. These Civil Servants have attained an adequate life and a little power. They can if they choose make people's lives a living Hell. Many of them especialy like doing that to foreigners. Power is addicitve and seductive. Think of The Committe Of Seventeen as The Democratic Party in America and The Chinese Civil Servant as The Committe of 17's " House Nigger " as the vast majority of Black people in America are The Democratic Party's " House Nigger ". This American was about to confront The Committee of 17's "House Nigger" with a very unpleasant problem. The conversation raged on for five more minutes. They wanted the money as all Chinese do but if they screwed up and did the wrong thing The Slave Master would demote or fire them. Their adequate life was in jeopardy here. Decisions decisions !! NEVER confront a Chinese "House Nigger" with this kind of choice. You will get results but they will hate you passionatley and carry the grudge forever. They are vindictive to the max. If your paths should cross again they will do everything they can fair or unethical as Hell to even the score. I confronted them with the choice again and this time much more forcefully and loudly. The Chinese customers were getting nervous. The security was also getting very itchy.Two more minutes of fervent discussions and still no money and no account. I did what any self respecting American would do. I pulled a screaming hissy fit. Thirty seconds later I walked out of their bank with my money. My student told me later he was concerned for my safety but impressed with the way I handled it. I explained to him that that was not the way I would have preferred to handle it but that they gave me no choice.

The next time you hear some China apologist speak of how advanced the Chinese are and how they're going to rule the world some day soon remember this story. Also the next time you hear the Chinese bitching about how poor they are remember this story. They turned downed a 25,000 RMB deposit for their bank because they couldn't figure out how to deal with an American middle name. That doesn't sound like a developed modern country to me. Does it to you? Do you seriously think these people are going to rule the world some day? If that should happen in spite of my predictions I assure you that it will be Dum Luk on the Chinese part combined with incredible stupidity about how the Chinese really are on the American.

As for why the Chinese are like they are read on below.

In the HaNazee , whom you would know better as the ChiComs , Holy Book's Ten Commandments there is one that is based in the concept that lucidity is the enemy. This Commandment , as all of them do , originated with the first HaNazee Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao. At the time there were about 400 foreigners or " lao wai " in his Kingdom. Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao knew of these foreigners strength of character and intelligence and of their God Sheng Di. He feared that these lao wai would take over his Kingdom and bring all of their crazy ideas such as Human Rights , Kentucky Fried Chicken , Chuck Berry , Jazz , a work ethic and equal rights and infect his people thusly freeing them.The HaNazee Nation was in it's infancy at this stage and wasn't strong enough to confront these lao wai directly yet so a more subtle tactic had to be developed. Emperor Wo Bu Zhi was a paranoid delusional fuckwit who suffered from fecal occulus but he wasn't stupid. The HaNazee Ten Commandments were written. One of these commandments has to do with constantly frustrating the lao wai with stupidity and muddled thinking. Lucidity is the enemy if you will. As anybody with any substantial amount of Chinese experience will tell you this is the case about 80 % of the time. Another one had to do with thinking rationally and providing prompt couteous service. Again as anybody with any substantial Chinese experience can tell you this happens about 20 % of the time. Now these Commandments to the inexpeirenced in Chinese psychology and methodology would seem to be in contravention of each other . The experienced lao wai knows better. They are actually in conjunction with each other. Think about it guys. If you were used to dealing with unvarnished stupidity 90 % of the time and then all of a sudden you got clear rational thinking wouldn't you be confused. Mission accomplished from Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao's point of view. The Yellow Knights Of The HaNazee do their job extremely well.

P.S. : Being a determined American who doesn 't let HaNazee fuckwits tell me what I can and can't have or do I ultimately solved the problem. I'll tell you how in my next chapter. Well about 80 % of it anyway. NO problem ever gets permanently and correctly fixed in China. It's not their way.

Lucidity Is THE Enemy !! Long live Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao.

If you enjoyed this story and would like to read more of my Tales From The Land Of Chairman Mao's Miracle I suggest that you click on the links provided within in the story itself or below.

Lucidity Is THE Enemy { # 1 }

If You Go Carrying Pictures Of Chairman Mao { #'s 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 }

I See The American Devil !! I'm Afraid !!

Trying To Reason With Hurricane Season.

Readers please be aware that these stories of " Spaced Teacher's Adventures In The Middle Cosmos { China } are written in two different threads. " Spaced Teacher Battles The Yellow Knights Of The HaNazee " are the true stories of my experiences here in The Middle Cosmos while " The Jardeen Roses Of Li Tan" is my FICTIONAL re-write of 5,000 years of Chinese history , mythology and culture from a foreigner's perspective.You're probably thinking " My God how presumptuous of him." Trust me somebody had to do it. They've had 5,000 years to get the job done and they just keep screwing it up. We trust our readers to be able to distinguish between the two topic threads contained within the story. That may be a giant leap of faith on the author's ,my ,part. I write the damn story and there are days I can't remember which thread is which. The Middle Cosmos has a way of confusing the most rational clear thinking people. It's part of the price you must pay for the experiences of living here. As is the case with all of humanity's gardens there are flowers and weeds. The Chinese garden is no different in that regard , they have flowers in the form of the Jardeen Roses and Jasmine and crabgrass in the form of the HaNazee. I try to weed the crabgrass while focusing on and accentuating the Jardeen Roses and Jasmine. I have taken only the barest minimum of poetic license in an effort to make these stories more enjoyable to read for you. Trust me when I tell you it happened 99 % exactly as I tell it. All names have been fictionalized to protect the guilty from legal action be that civil or criminal and to protect the innocent from the guilty and most importantly to protect the author , yours truly , from the crabgrass in the Chinese garden. Those HaNazee can be vicious bastards!! lol The HaNazee are well known for having an aversion to the spelling and grammar challenged among us so be careful with your grammar and spelling you never know when The HaNazee Grammar Master #1 or The HaNazee Spelling Misstress # 7 are watching.

All characters , plot lines , fictional places , and anything else even remotely associated with these stories is the intellectual property of Spaced Teacher D.B.A. Bea Wildered Enterprises and may not be used without the express written consent of the aforementioned Spaced One or Bea herself.

I hope that " Spaced Teacher's Adventures In The Middle Cosmos " will soon become an epic novel of adventure and conquest. If you are or know a literary agent that would be interested in publishing this please have him contact Bea. He / she can just leave a comment about one of the blog posts and Bea will see it and reply . Bea is not Lucidly Challenged ALL the time !!!

Spaced Teacher vs. The Yellow Knights Of The HaNazee

Wo Kan Meiguo Mogui ! Hai Pa ! / I See The American Devil ! I'm Afraid !

By Spaced Teacher

I was teaching in a small town in Central China where I was the first " lao wai" / foreigner that this school had EVER had and was also the ONLY " lao wai " at this school. The responsibilities were great. I was very excited to get involved with my students many of whom had never even seen a " lao wai " before. Basically I was in a situation where there were a lot of very eager impressionable young Chinese minds to be educated. The best thing was I was given carte blanche to do it my way. I was in heaven at the thought of this opportunity. Not so much later I would come to realize that I was not in heaven at all. I was in , I suspected , someplace in the opposite direction. My suspicions would be confirmed in due course.

As any " lao wai " teacher with experience will tell you the Chinese students always will tell you they want to learn about Western culture. The truth is quite to the contrary. 90 % of them have absolutely no interest in anything that is not Chinese. I'm fairly certain now after six years of experience that The Committee of 17 Sub - Committee On Education tells them to say that. The thinking is probably that they will make themselves look smart by saying that to a "lao wai "and that it will probably please the " lao wai " that foreign people are interested in their cultures. In any case I was still fairly new in China so even though I was beginning to have doubts and starting to see the big picture I took them at their word.

Halloween was the first Western / American Holiday we encountered during the year. I was so excited about the fun I was going to have with these kids teaching them about Halloween and partying with them. I asked all my students in all my classes if they wanted to learn about Halloween. A resounding yes was the response. I was quite pleased. I then asked them if they would like to go trick or treating and have a party. A resounding yes. I explained to them about costumes and told them to buy / make one. Now being an American with a twisted bizarre sense of humor as those of you that know me are aware I was not happy just keeping this on campus.I wanted to involve some of the local townspeople living near the campus. We made flyers in Chinese explaining to the local people what Halloween was and what would be happening on their streets come Halloween night. They appeared to be quite interested and supportive.

Halloween night arrived and all of my students met me at my apartment on campus. Most of them had no costume at all. A few had masks. A few had great costumes. Off we proceeded to introduce Halloween to the people living on campus. We tricked and treated. We hid behind trees and scared people. We did some simple fun tricks such as throw eggs on windows and silly string cars and what not. I was beginning to notice though that as we went further and further along my posse was greatly diminishing. I also was disappointed that they didn't want to do anything on their own. I had to be the center of attention to get them to do anything. By the time we got to the far end of campus we had about ten kids that were still with me and having fun. I was very disappointed in the other 300 but I figured what the Hell at least now I know who wants to have fun. We proceeded onward.

It was time to take the celebration off campus. Off to the main street surrounding the campus we went. The Chinese merchants and family living there were very supportive and seemed to be getting into the spirit of the day.They also appeared to be highly entertained. I had noticed though that by the time we got to the end of the street we were down to three kids. I told them ok we'll finish up this street and call it a night. We did and I sent them home. I however was NOT finished. I wanted one good " BOO!!! experience before I went home.

I walked into an internet bar. I think I was costumed as a Demon as I remember. My face was painted and I'm sure I was a fearsome sight to the Halloween rookies. I just walked in and strolled up to the head of the room. Everybody's eyes were on me . I'm sure they didn't know quite what to think although they seemed to be chuckling. I waited about two minutes just staring at them intently. Finally at the top of my voice I shouted Happy Halloween BOO!!! She sprang from her chair like an angry Tigress protecting her cubs. She had a broom and she wasn't afraid to use it. Out of her internet bar she chased me swinging her broom violently and extremely accurately. The place was howling . Out into the streets I ran with her in hot pursuit yelling at the top of her voice. She was probably swearing at me in Chinese.

The people on the streets were falling down laughing although they were a bit concerned for my safety. A couple of gentleman restrained her and began , judging by the way they were pointing at the flyers we had posted , explaining to her what was going on. She was PISSED!! She ceased her attack but she kept her eyes on me and her broom handy. There was no way she was letting me back in her internet bar. My mission was completed. I placed my thumbs in my ears , help up my fingers and wiggled them at her while sticking my tongue out. The Chinese people were roaring. I went home happy that night. I had brought a little bit of Western culture to China although in not quite the way I had intened. I'm fairly certain that the woman was a Sister Of Jardeen Ignorance And Chaos.

Some people have no sense of humor. The Sisters And Brothers Of Jardeen Ignorance And Chaos are certainly amongst the foremost of those folks. How unfortunate that so many of the Chinese students are also among them. They are way too young to be this boring. To be this young and be constantly afraid of taking part in the fun things of life or of taking a chance doesn't bode well for the future of China in my opinion. There is going to be a bad moon rising over China soon I'm afraid.

There is a sadness that afflicts the Chinese people that I guess is reflective of their history. How unfortunate it is that in this time of great economic prosperity and hope in China the Chinese people do not seem to be able or perhaps willing to overcome this sadness.

The Committee Of 17 has a stranglehold on them it would appear. Let's all pray that they eventually will overcome it.

By the Grace of Li Tan

P.S. : To The Committe Of 17. Your day is coming soon. The American Guadzi / Devils are coming for you. You can run but you can't hide. While your waiting for us do have a Happy Halloween.

BOO !!!

Readers please be aware that these stories of " Spaced Teacher's Adventures In The Middle Cosmos { China } are written in two different threads. " Spaced Teacher Battles The Yellow Knights Of The HaNazee " are the true stories of my experiences here in The Middle Cosmos while " The Jardeen Roses Of Li Tan" is my FICTIONAL re-write of 5,000 years of Chinese history , mythology and culture from a foreigner's perspective.You're probably thinking " My God how presumptuous of him." Trust me somebody had to do it. They've had 5,000 years to get the job done and they just keep screwing it up. We trust our readers to be able to distinguish between the two topic threads contained within the story. That may be a giant leap of faith on the author's ,my ,part. I write the damn story and there are days I can't remember which thread is which. The Middle Cosmos has a way of confusing the most rational clear thinking people. It's part of the price you must pay for the experiences of living here. As is the case with all of humanity's gardens there are flowers and weeds. The Chinese garden is no different in that regard , they have flowers in the form of the Jardeen Roses and Jasmine and crabgrass in the form of the HaNazee. I try to weed the crabgrass while focusing on and accentuating the Jardeen Roses and Jasmine. I have taken only the barest minimum of poetic license in an effort to make these stories more enjoyable to read for you. Trust me when I tell you it happened 99 % exactly as I tell it. All names have been fictionalized to protect the guilty from legal action be that civil or criminal and to protect the innocent from the guilty and most importantly to protect the author , yours truly , from the crabgrass in the Chinese garden. Those HaNazee can be vicious bastards!! lol The HaNazee are well known for having an aversion to the spelling and grammar challenged among us so be careful with your grammar and spelling you never know when The HaNazee Grammar Master #1 or The HaNazee Spelling Misstress # 7 are watching.

All characters , plot lines , fictional places , and anything else even remotely associated with these stories is the intellectual property of Spaced Teacher D.B.A. Bea Wildered Enterprises and may not be used without the express written consent of the aforementioned Spaced One or Bea herself.

I hope that " Spaced Teacher's Adventures In The Middle Cosmos " will soon become an epic novel of adventure and conquest. If you are or know a literary agent that would be interested in publishing this please have him contact Bea. He / she can just leave a comment about one of the blog posts and Bea will see it and reply . Bea is not Lucidly Challenged ALL the time !!!

Spaced Teacher vs. The Yellow Knights Of The HaNazee

Lucidity Is THE Enemy { # 1 }

By Spaced Teacher

In the HaNazee , whom you would know better as the ChiComs , Holy Book's Ten Commandments there is one that is based in the concept that lucidity is the enemy. This Commandment , as all of them do , originated with the first HaNazee Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao. At the time there were about 400 foreigners or " lao wai " in his Kingdom. Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao knew of these foreigners strength of character and intelligence and of their God Sheng Di. He feared that these lao wai would take over his Kingdom and bring all of their crazy ideas such as Human Rights , Kentucky Fried Chicken , Chuck Berry , Jazz , a work ethic and equal rights and infect his people thusly freeing them.The HaNazee Nation was in it's infancy at this stage and wasn't strong enough to confront these lao wai directly yet so a more subtle tactic had to be developed. Emperor Wo Bu Zhi was a paranoid delusional fuckwit who suffered from fecal occulus but he wasn't stupid. The HaNazee Ten Commandments were written. One of these commandments has to do with constantly frustrating the lao wai with stupidity and muddled thinking. Lucidity is the enemy if you will. As anybody with any substantial amount of Chinese experience will tell you this is the case about 80 % of the time. Another one had to do with thinking rationally and providing prompt couteous service. Again as anybody with any substantial Chinese experience can tell you this happens about 20 % of the time. Now these Commandments to the inexpeirenced in Chinese psychology and methodology would seem to be in contravention of each other . The experienced lao wai knows better. They are actually in conjunction with each other. Think about guys. If you were used to dealing with unvarnished stupidity 90 % of the time and then all of a sudden you got clear rational thinking wouldn't you be confused. Mission accomplished from Emeperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao's point of view. The Yellow Knights Of The HaNazee do their job extremely well.

If you are one of those people that still believes China is going to rule the world soon read on , I think I can disavow you of that perception. If you aren't read on anyway , you'll probably get a chuckle.

China is known in the West as being one of the most wired countries in the world and with lightening fast internet. That may be true in Beijing , Shanghai and a few more of the highly developed enlightened areas of China. I can tell that is absolutley not true in the hinterlands where I am however. The Information Age has not reached here yet. The 18th Century is suffering a prolonged death in East Nowhere , China. My university has 14,000 students . There are usually eight to a dorm room and probably 100 rooms in each building. There is one internet line for each building. There are probably 500 people living in my building. There is one internet line.My guess is that you will not be surprised to hear that this situation is not acceptable to this American. Something needed to be done. I acted as Americans tend to . I asked the administration to rectify this problem. " Can't be done " came the reply. " Why " I inquired. " The school has a deal with the phone company and the internet company where we make money. That deal is contingent on only one line per so many users. If you wanted another line you'd need to buy it yourself." Well being American and used to paying for what I want I didn't think this was a problem.I also knew that although the HaNazee have a Communist political system they have a Capitalist economic system. They love the almighty Renminbi / dollar. How wrong I was. I should have known that it couldn'posssibly be that easy. " Please arrange for it " I requested. Three days later my Foreign Affairs officer dropped by and told me I couldn't have the other line. " Why " I asked as any self respecting American would. " Because the leader sees no reason for anybody to have more than one line. " came the answer. I 've been in China long enough to know what that really means which is that if they allow that they are giving up a little of their control of me. He wasn't about to let that happen. In China BIG Gege { Brother } is ALWAYS watching especially on the internet.

Apparently there is a garrison of HaNazee Yellow Knights stationed at my school. Lucidity is THE enemy. The 21st Century is so close and yet so far away here in China. If only somebody would put the eternal fuckwit Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao out of our misery once and for all perhaps China could join us here in the civilized world at long last.

P.S. : Being a determined American who doesn 't let HaNazee fuckwits tell me what I can and can't have or do I ultimately solved the problem. I'll tell you how in my next chapter. Well about 80 % of it anyway. NO problem ever gets permanently and correctly fixed in China. It's not their way.

Lucidity Is THE Enemy !! Long live Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao

Readers please be aware that these stories of " Spaced Teacher's Adventures In The Middle Cosmos { China } are written in two different threads. " Spaced Teacher Battles The Yellow Knights Of The HaNazee " are the true stories of my experiences here in The Middle Cosmos while " The Jardeen Roses Of Li Tan" is my FICTIONAL re-write of 5,000 years of Chinese history , mythology and culture from a foreigner's perspective.You're probably thinking " My God how presumptuous of him." Trust me somebody had to do it. They've had 5,000 years to get the job done and they just keep screwing it up. We trust our readers to be able to distinguish between the two topic threads contained within the story. That may be a giant leap of faith on the author's ,my ,part. I write the damn story and there are days I can't remember which thread is which. The Middle Cosmos has a way of confusing the most rational clear thinking people. It's part of the price you must pay for the experiences of living here. As is the case with all of humanity's gardens there are flowers and weeds. The Chinese garden is no different in that regard , they have flowers in the form of the Jardeen Roses and Jasmine and crabgrass in the form of the HaNazee. I try to weed the crabgrass while focusing on and accentuating the Jardeen Roses and Jasmine. I have taken only the barest minimum of poetic license in an effort to make these stories more enjoyable to read for you. Trust me when I tell you it happened 99 % exactly as I tell it. All names have been fictionalized to protect the guilty from legal action be that civil or criminal and to protect the innocent from the guilty and most importantly to protect the author , yours truly , from the crabgrass in the Chinese garden. Those HaNazee can be vicious bastards!! lol The HaNazee are well known for having an aversion to the spelling and grammar challenged among us so be careful with your grammar and spelling you never know when The HaNazee Grammar Master #1 or The HaNazee Spelling Misstress # 7 are watching.

All characters , plot lines , fictional places , and anything else even remotely associated with these stories is the intellectual property of Spaced Teacher D.B.A. Bea Wildered Enterprises and may not be used without the express written consent of the aforementioned Spaced One or Bea herself.

I hope that " Spaced Teacher's Adventures In The Middle Cosmos " will soon become an epic novel of adventure and conquest. If you are or know a literary agent that would be interested in publishing this please have him contact Bea. He / she can just leave a comment about one of the blog posts and Bea will see it and reply . Bea is not Lucidly Challenged ALL the time !!!